Should Sex Be An Obligation?
Spoiler alert: Hell, no.
Last summer, I had a very unexpected awakening while listening to a conversation between my mother and my cousin. My cousin, not much younger than I, yet married with 3 children, had mentioned to my mother that her pregnant friend was so uncomfortable that she didn’t want to have sex with her husband until after the baby was born. My mother gasped, “No, she can’t! She’s the wife! It’s her obligation to sleep with him!” Much to my surprise, my cousin agreed. She mentioned that she had told her friend that she can’t just unilaterally decide to halt their sex life simply because she’s had a rough pregnancy (really?), and that if she doesn’t make an effort to satisfy her man, he’ll just get it someplace else. Perhaps I was naive, being the only one in the room without a regular sexual partner, but it got me thinking…should relationship sex really be obligatory?
I spoke with all my girlfriends in committed relationships, and much to my surprise, all their responses were the same. Apparently, sex was the number 1 cause for fights between them and their partners. Most women claimed they were having enough sex, and most men argued frequently that they were unsatisfied. Almost all of them said it was a daily fight, with the men saying everything from “If you loved me, you’d want to sleep with me”, to just straight out calling the woman selfish and cold. Either way, the arguing itself seemed to be what turned women off the most.
Note: In the relationships where the woman wanted more sex than the man, arguments about it did not go this way. But those relationships are in the minority, at least within my informal survey range.
It made me wonder how many women chose to avoid the argument altogether by just giving in when they really don’t want it. Should they even have to give in? Should sex REALLY be an obligation in a relationship?
The answer is a flat out NO. Sex is something that should always happen when both parties (or more, depending on your level of kink) want it. There are a million reasons why people get turned off, but if you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood. Telling a woman “If you loved me, you’d want to sleep with me” is nothing but sheer hypocrisy, because if you loved her, you’d respect the fact that she just isn’t feeling it.
When a woman isn’t in the mood, whether it be exhaustion or stress, sex is extremely uncomfortable to the point that it can actually be painful. If she’s thinking about taking the kids to soccer practice, or that final exam she has in 2 days, she really cannot self-lube, and she certainly cannot achieve orgasm. Would you really want to have sex with your partner if that’s the case? Be honest – probably not, eh?
However, arguing is never a solution. Talking about your feelings and taking time out of your busy schedules for that much needed alone time will ensure you have a happy relationship, along with a happy sex life. Lack of sex doesn’t have to mean lack of love.
And when there’s enough love, trust me, enough sex will happen. Mostly.